Iron Strong Part 92: A Letter to YOU, to THAT Girl, 3 years ago...

A Letter to YOU, to THAT Girl, 3 years ago...

In 2012 I journaled daily through my divorce, leaving the Mormon Religion, being a Single Mom, becoming a Marathoner and eventually an Ironman Athlete. This story will be delivered in parts and not really edited down from the original writings in my journal (including some typos and grammar misalignment). I do this to uphold the integrity of the Woman I was when I wrote these, long before I knew this would end up as a full book and even though my writing has evolved in the decade since I wrote these pieces. They read in present day time from a decade ago. These are stories of hope, miracles and never giving up on your dreams. It is a heroine’s journey of shame, secrets and ultimate seclusion to the Finish Line of Ironman Arizona....and then beyond. An Outward Journey to an Inward Destination of Freedom and Liberation, Iron Strong.

A Letter to YOU, to THAT Girl, 3 years ago...

Dear You,

THAT girl…3 years ago…your journey began…your life was flipped upside down and would never be the same. Some talk about defining moments between time and space…That day…That moment marked the before and after.

Good god girl…come here….let me hold you…cry as long as your want. Stay as long as you want collapsed on my lap but for the love of everything that you feel that is left in the universe that is good…don’t cry on that cold bathroom floor one more second alone, feeling the physical weight of the energies and cosmos and earth crushing your soul and destroying your heart.

Stay with me. Lie on my lap. Let me cover you with a warm heavy blanket. I’ll provide tissues for the runny nose and a wet cool cloth for your head in those moments when you gasp and you don’t know if you got air or if in fact that was your last breath of life.

The intensity doesn’t have to be born alone…lie on my lap. Let my hands lie on your back. I won’t move them. Feel the burden. The loneliness. The weight. The loss. But don’t do it cold on that floor any longer.

I am here and I will let you cry all night wrapped in my arms and engulfed in my love.

You don’t know I am there…But I am. The spirit of YOU now…three years in the future…I am holding your tender body. That is the reason you could keep breathing. Because I was with you then, as I am with you now.

I am your spirit. Your heart. You are my everything.

I know you have questions. Many will be answered but only to spur a hundred more. Many will never be answered. And it is ok. Sometimes unanswered questions are Gods greatest gift to us. We aren’t meant to know everything ALL the time. And I promise you that you will one day be ok with the unknown as well as the answers and they will trouble your heart no more.

It is not fair. You screamed to me it isn’t fair. To him. To you. To your children. Why God. Why. Why me. It isn’t fair. And that is ok.

The great cosmic joke is that life is not fair. But the people who say that need punched in the face. Because at moments the enormity of the unfairness engulfs us with heartbreak. And we need to feel and experience those emotions in order to accept and make friends with “fair”.

Fairness is another one of those unanswered questions. And it is ok to feel like it isn’t fair. Don’t live and stay there however. But if you visit time to time and pull up a chair and have a talk with fairness that is ok. I give you permission. Sit down and swear at fairness. Scream and shout that it isn’t fair and you are pissed off to high hell about it. Cry. Empty your tears. It truly isn’t fair. That should be felt not pushed aside.

And when you are down with this conversation with fairness…put on your shoes and walk straight out the back door. And if you still are feeling a tinge of unfair…slam that bitch door shut. Then lift your head high and know that you have within you already what it takes to persevere and prevail against your own personal unfairness.

You aren’t alone. You won’t be alone long. Soon you will find sweet surrender. You will put up your white flag and realize that you can’t physically, spiritually or emotionally cope another minute without help.

You will find a therapist. She will change your life and you will finally be able to speak your truth. She is your angel. I know sweet girl that she was divinely intertwined into your life. You may never go another day as long as you live without thinking of her.

And one day…you will be sitting across the room from her…telling her good bye…because you are strong enough to walk alone…and you will hold her in your arms and cry and she will too.

And you will see bright white light illuminating her crown. And you are healed…because she fell in love with you…and you felt more than a client…you were a love of her life as you were hers. You will stay strong as you part ways…and almost a year after you have stopped seeing her you will still think of her. She will be the first person you send your Ironman recap to. Because you know she will smile when you share your own journey of strength. And you will smile. And from a distance you will still feel that deep bond and connection…all because you chose to surrender and ask for help…how brave are you. That one act. That one courageous act…that marked the journey of healing…and you never looked back. I am proud of you.

You have more strength in you than you will ever know. I look back at how you are sobbing. Convulsing. Tears and mascara stained your face. Sweating because you can’t find oxygen for another breath.

And yet what you don’t see is what I see…strength. You had ups and downs but you never wavered. You were steadfast and sturdy. The strength you possess my sweet girl is so deep in your core, it was passed down from your ancestors whom you feel a deep bond and connection with.

It is waiting for the moment to strike and it will. When you least expect it you will drawn in that core and pull out immeasurable strength. You won’t believe me if I told you that now…but I promise you one day you will look back and realize that you are your own heroine. The bravest most tender character in your book. And you will sit in awe of yourself. Because you will see you and you will see me now…And they are two very different people…yet possess that exact same spirit of love…courage…and HOPE.

What do I tell you now…the girl laying on floor gasping? From the woman in a chair with an equanimous mind and an Ironman Medal around her neck…

Hope my dear one. Hope.

Hold On Peace Endures

If you can cultivate hope in your mind, body or spirit…just one microscopic trace of hope…you have won. Hope that tomorrow the sun will actually rise on a new day.

Hope that you will find that next breath when it feels like your lungs are collapsing.

Hope. Of anything. Find hope and you have found your peace. And peace always endures.

Hang on to that trace of hope with every fiber of your being.

Do NOT for one second let that hope go. Whether that is only having hope in the moment and next moment…hour…day…week…month.

What do you have hope for? Find it and dig your palms so deeply into it that you can not become unattached. It is so much a part of you that when the storms are raging and pulling you under…You can have that thread of hope…that leads to equanimity and peace.

Hold On Peace Endures

I love you now. Then. And Forever.

Unconditional Love,

You future self in three years who is Iron Strong.