Iron Strong Part 88: Ironman Arizona...
Ironman Arizona...
In 2012 I journaled daily through my divorce, leaving the Mormon Religion, being a Single Mom, becoming a Marathoner and eventually an Ironman Athlete. This story will be delivered in parts and not really edited down from the original writings in my journal (including some typos and grammar misalignment). I do this to uphold the integrity of the Woman I was when I wrote these, long before I knew this would end up as a full book and even though my writing has evolved in the decade since I wrote these pieces. They read in present day time from a decade ago. These are stories of hope, miracles and never giving up on your dreams. It is a heroine’s journey of shame, secrets and ultimate seclusion to the Finish Line of Ironman Arizona....and then beyond. An Outward Journey to an Inward Destination of Freedom and Liberation, Iron Strong.
Ironman Arizona...
2.4 Mile Swim
112 Mile Bike
26.2 Mile Run
The Morning
The morning of Ironman Arizona my hotel room, filled with Sissy, my best guy friend Josh and I, were awake at 4am. I had been awake before that and tossed and turned most of the night. But as soon as the alarm goes off…Adrenaline starts pumping.
I started immediately with my hydration of coffee, green juice, coconut water and vitamins. I choked down a 1/2 bonk breaker granola bar and a banana. About an hour before the race I drank my electrolyte drink and was set to go!
I had a severe panic attack after a disastrous practice swim the day before. I jumped in the water during our practice swim and immediately my breath was taken away…
I started to feel that panic of I can’t breath and I don’t remember how to swim. I headed out for about 15 minutes and at the 10 minute mark I did start to find my rhythm. But I was freaked out. People kept asking how was the water while I was checking my bike and I couldn’t respond happy. I just said it is very freaking cold and secretly I felt like punching them because I didn’t want to think about getting back in the next day.
In the middle of the night I received inspiration during my meditation to listen to my favorite podcast again…Rob Bell’s “It comes in Waves”.
It was just what I needed to remind myself to breathe and relax in the water. I mentally prepared myself that I would be able to breathe again with this 2.4 mile swim today.
When I get caught in the “spin cycle” to relax and remember I would get oxygen again. And if I got trampled…It was only a wave and all waves pass…and if it happened repeatedly it was only a “set of waves” and there is always a calm…So relax. Feel confident. I HIGHLY recommend this podcast to anyone who, like me, has trouble with open water swimming or panics at the swim at times.
In the car I listened to a few of my favorite songs…
• Eminen: Till I Collapse
• The Script: Hall of Fame
• American Authors: Best Day of my Life
• Avicii: The Nights
and duh…
• Rachel Platten: Fight Song
I was pumped up and ready to go!!!!
Pre-Race
I got into transition and got my bike set up quickly. As I got body marked with my number, I visualized the flow of the race…swim out…bike out…bike in…run in…run out. I saw a friend from home and he gave me a big hug and smile. Then it was off to check in special needs bags for the bike and run course and find my sissy and Josh again.
As I was getting my wetsuit on one of my Triathlon Team Betty Sisters ran up to me and gave me a massive hug. She was so bright and sparkly and happy that I couldn’t help but feed off of her energy!!! I enjoyed so much being part of a team of Women who proudly proclaim Badass is Beautiful.
On the bike course a guy said to me…You’re Team Betty? I was like Hellz Yah I am! And he smiled and said he was the woman from the morning’s husband! I was so excited because for those few moments it brought me back to her smiling face that had wrapped me in a hug that morning.
I saw Bob just before I headed to line up for the swim and was able to give him a great big hug!!! It lift my spirits and he gave me his usual wisdom. Have fun and stay smiling. He’s always reminded me to not take myself or the sport too seriously. Being mentored and introduced to this sport by an 85 year old sure gives you a different perspective about triathlon and running. It is more of a “life approach” versus a “I gotta PR this shit right now or die approach”. I am in the lifer club thanks to Bob and I measure success by the happiness in my heart and the people it brings into my life. I’m eternally grateful for his love and wisdom. Bob was the one who started me on this crazy ass journey of 140.6 miles and having him there, racing beside me, was the ultimate finale of a year of training.
My friend Josh sent me off after a long hug from him and my Sissy. Josh is one of my bestest friends in the whole wide universe. He was there when I got into this Ironman fiasco and was there when I ended it. Our Tribe Leader this day. He helped my family and friends know where to go to see me all day and truly just made the day run smooth.
He was a calming warming hug in dark moments…and was ALWAYS where I needed him on race day. If you have one fiercely loyal and true to the end friend like Josh in your life you have more than you could dream. Thank you Josh for the hugs and all the love and support to reach this dream over the past year. You were a strong force to get me to that finish line and I’ll never be able to relay in words exactly what you mean to me. Thank you for being family.
Swim
As I was walking to the swim and lining up it was a few minutes before the cannon went off and I heard my name and felt a big hug. It was Meredith Kessler, who is one of the best women’s professional triathletes in the world. She hugged me and told me that she was very excited for me. She had watched me work SO hard for this over the past year. To go celebrate, have fun and enjoy my big day. I was so grateful for her words and her reminder of this amazing journey. I watched her walk off as she put on her goggles and get ready to roar…she won Ironman Arizona this day.
As she left I saw two other of my best friends, Kim and Taylor, walk by. I promptly ran to them and joined them. I decided I would rather seed up a bit in the swim start and have someone to be with pre-race than to wait alone. We joked. We hugged. We nervous laughed. And then it was time.
I had a peaceful and calm feeling before jumping in the water. As soon as I jumped off the stairs I felt the cold but knew what to expect so didn’t freak out. I felt peace. I stayed a bit to the right to find my own space and settle in but close enough to the groups to catch a bit of draft. Within a couple minutes I connected to my breath and was ready to go.
The next step was figuring out what the heck to think about for the next hour or two…So I started singing in my head and the first thing I thought of was to sing Christmas songs because I knew all the words. So off I swam singing “Joy to the World…Frosty the Snowman…and Silent Night”. I mixed in a few songs from my childhood primary days like “Popcorn Popping and Give Said the Little Stream”. Before I knew it I was at the turnaround and feeling amazing!
The way back I got kicked in the face and it moved my goggles. I stopped briefly to readjust and actually my thought process was “Hell yah!!!!! THIS is Ironman!! I just got kicked in the face”. Of course I got my feet grabbed and hit some…I did it to others too. People don’t phase me in a swim…it’s not being connected to my breath that terrifies me but this day, this race, this 2.4 miles…my breath and I were in complete harmony.
The last little bit I imagined my four beloved Grandparents swimming by me…Creating a little draft and encircling me in their love. They were with me. I felt their tender love and presence. I would give anything to have them here still but I’m thankful to have them “with me” every moment of every day in my heart and spirit.
I got to the end and wanted to scream so I did!!!!
1:36!!!!
I legit planned on two hours! I was so happy and high-fiving everyone and screaming I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!
I was so excited and seriously LOVED the swim! I am a swimmer. I love to dance and sing to the rhythm of my breath in the water. I was so scared for the swim cut off times. But the swim I have to say was my favorite part of the day.
Bike
It’s no secret I love biking so I was so excited to to hop on my bike and ride off into the desert. I saw my people right before I mounted so ran over and hugged and kissed them all before heading out…I never miss opportunities for hugs.
Bike Loop 1…LOVED!!! I got settled in and started my nutrition and hydration plan which I stuck to perfectly the entire race. There was slight wind but wind doesn’t phase me as I was prepared for it and I trained in high winds in the Midwest cornfields every.single.ride. I hit the turnaround and was FLYING back hitting speeds in the 30mph range. Spirits were high and I was even more energized hearing my people scream for me at the turnaround back in Tempe.
Family. My cousin Angie made this weekend extra special…She fed me…Got me pre-race donuts…Made a banner…Got t-shirts…Brought a megaphone and all the amazing race day supplies…And stayed the entire day through the monsoon rain and cold weather. She is the most fiercely loyal family and I am SO thankful for her UNconditional love and support to not only me but all my friends all weekend. Truly if you have just one Angie in your life as a friend or if you’re lucky like me to call her family you KNOW someone will always have your back and love you to the ends of the earth. One of the greatest and strongest woman I’ve ever known. Seeing your face and hearing your voice out there made this experience even more special.
Bike Loop 2…I was feeling good the entire way out! Loads of energy and having fun talking with people as we passed each other. I started to feel a sprinkle of rain and then the monsoon started…And it didn’t stop the rest of the ride.
I thought in my head…THIS is Ironman…I did two 100 mile bike rides in the pouring rain…I got this! No problem!
What I didn’t expect was the cold that followed…I got as tight as I could in aero position on my bike and kept moving. I didn’t stop at special needs stations for my extra supplies because I didn’t want to stop moving.
It was about mile 45 I finally learned how to pee on the bike. Don’t judge…In the triathlon world it’s totally normal. Gross as fuck but totally normal! So here’s my absolute gross truth of the day…I was SO cold that I LOVED peeing because it made my legs and feet warm for even a brief second. So I kept drinking and peeing a bit to warm up like every 15 mins. I never said triathletes weren’t gross, but we are hardcore! Haha! And when it is freezing cold outside on Arizona’s only rainy cold day in months…survival kicks in. And we pee on ourselves so our toes don’t go numb!
Bonus…it was raining so nobody could tell I was peeing on myself…I think I lost all dignity that day but still laugh thinking I had to pee to keep myself from becoming hypothermic on my 112 mile Ironman bike ride.
But shit…It’s a good story and I don’t think there is anywhere to go but up from here. Just keeping it 110% real here…the good…the bad…the disgusting BUT reality…I saw my people screaming into the megaphone with their big banner at the second turnaround which lift my spirits and I headed out for my last cold 38 miles….
Loop 3…Cold. Brain Freeze. I was ok and stayed mentally and emotionally strong but my physical body was cold. Just keep pedaling. Don’t stop moving. Focus on the road so you don’t slip or crash in the puddles. Rain dripping off my helmet. Don’t care about my watch anymore because it was wet and blurry. And then as I made the turn to the beeline portion of the race, there was my miracle…
A rainbow that lit up and took over the ENTIRE sky. I was literally riding into the center of the rainbow. Peace. Stillness. Serenity. I teared up. I’ll never forget that moment. Those miles. My rainbow. My sign that it really WILL be ok. My grandmas sent me a rainbow that said “all will be well…just keep moving”.
Relentless forward motion.
One Breath at a time.
At the turnaround I was stiff from being cold but forced myself to keep moving and not stop once. I would get to see my family in a few miles. Keep moving. A few miles away I knew I had it in the bag. I was cold, wet and it was still raining. But I did it. I swept into the bike finish area, frozen and in pain. I really freaking did it! I was on a very frozen cloud nine.
T2 (Transition 2)
I got to T2 and my friend Anna ran over. She was volunteering and I’ll never forget her smile and face when she saw me. It lit a fire in my soul. It was the friendly face I had ever seen and exactly what I needed in THAT moment. I was so frozen I couldn’t move or think. I legitimately couldn’t get my leg over the bike and my hands and fingers couldn’t unclip my helmet because they were stiff so she helped.
Then she took my bike away and swooped me to my dad and family and I broke down and cried.
This moment. I was FROZEN. I immediately melted into my Dad’s arms. He grabbed me and looked me in the eyes before I started crying again and said, “You did amazing out there on the bike. You’ve trained in worse conditions than this. You are stronger than this rain and cold. Now go run to your Finish Line. I believe you in. You got this!”. And so I went and I got it done….When your Dad BELIEVES in you…ANYthing really is possible.
Anna helped me get to T2 area where I saw my sissy, Josh and my bestest friend Stacy. My three angels. Who all hugged me for minutes to warm me up…I’ll never forget the heat and warmth of those embraces and their soft voices of encouragement….and then they sent me to the changing tent where my run bag was waiting for me.
It looked like a medical tent. Shaking. Trauma faces. Women down getting medical attention. Hypothermia everywhere. A woman came over and asked if I was ok.
Yes, I am ok. I just need a little help to get going.
She sat me down and literally took my shoes off…put my running socks and shoes on and tugged and pulled a long sleeve shirt on over my wet, cold, soggy body while I sat there. She got me some water and walked me to the exit…she looked me dead in my eyes and told me to go get moving and run right NOW…so I did…
Run
I was cold but I could move…slowly…I knew my good friend would be at aid station two volunteering. That was my only focus. Start my run nutrition immediately and get to aid station two.
I realized quickly a problem I thought I had corrected and solved earlier in the year was back. Massive dry eyes on the bike which leads me to blurred vision. I believe it’s from my Lasik Surgery, because it didn’t happen the previous year. Nonetheless, I knew with the dry climate there was potential so I started eye drops I had packed. But my vision was strained…
I made it to aid station two and screamed at my friend that I was coming for a big hug. He wrapped his arms around me and his beautiful wife took a turn hugging me as well. I just fed off their energy and it got me moving. Those familiar faces mean the world in races!
At this point I saw Kim, one of my best friends who I started the day at the swim with. I knew in my heart we were going to run this together. Kim is a seven time Ironman, mother of four and my one of my best friends…We knew we were going to see our people around Mile Four so we made that our goal to just get there.
We made it to Mile Four and we soaked in the love of our families and off we set.
Side by side. Best friends who don’t quit. We ran the entire time and walked at the aid stations to properly fuel. There were moments we kept everyone around us entertained with our dirty minds and talk…moments of solace and reflection…moments of laughter and dancing…moments of silence. Kim and I are the life of any party together. The Ironman Arizona run course was no different.
You move through the light and dark during an endurance event. The highs and lows. You simply learn to ride them all. The lows never last and yet the highs don’t either. So you endure the lows and relish in the highs. Nothing is permanent. It all is just part of the journey.
I saw my family again around Mile 14 and my kids ran beside me for a stretch which boost my heart into overdrive. There is nothing like seeing the faces of your children light up with excitement and pride for their mama.
At Mile 17 we saw both our families again. Yes, we were still running together, side by side.
This was when my Sissy’s hug gave me the strength I needed. She grabbed me and pulled me close and squeezed me hard…She told me she was proud of me and KNEW I could do this…It was just a nine mile cake walk from here…She said more said but those are the only words I remember.
But the FEELING I remember after that was how STRONG her embrace was…As if she was giving me all her strength to run to the finish line…I felt calm and peace…Sometimes having someone believe in you is what it takes to restore your energy and believe in yourself….I love you my Sissy…My always.
Seeing Stacy and my Mom at this point just warmed my cold heart. My Women. That is what I remember about this point the most. My fiercely loyal tribe of women were here…in the cold…to cheer for me and make this day as special as they could.
Stacy had driven back and forth with her kids all day in the rain. She drove them home and then headed straight back. I don’t remember a time I didn’t see her from the bike onward. One of my rocks and has been since we met when our first babies were eight weeks old. She’s never wavered in her undying love and friendship and I’ll never forget her hugs, words and support this day. She saw me through the worst of times (she was one of the “four friends every woman needs in a divorce chapter” (so is Sissy) and has seen me come full circle. I love you Stacy.
My mom was the most amazing face I had ever seen at this point. Her touch. Her smile. Her pride. My mom is my person. The one person in this life I can always count on and she went above and beyond the weekend of the race. She is the most amazing “Meme” to my boys. They love her. Everyone loves her. Her tenderness. Her energy. Her love. It carries me. It brightens my days and darkness. Thank you Mommy. For being mine. The depths of my love will never convey what you mean to me. I know your heart. I heard it beating for nine months while you carried me in your womb. And I know of your eternal unconditional love for me. Thank you for your heart.
It felt like eternity but this stop was brief. Just keep running was our mantra. We knew if we stopped too long or to walk our heart rate would drop and we would get cold which could mean the end of our race.
We kept pushing along and getting the miles done.
One mile at a time…Side by side…
I told her to leave me many times because I knew she could go a bit faster than I was moving and all Kim would say is no, we are together.
I have to say the last miles was one of the moments in life that you decide to break out of the cocoon and emerge triumphant…
Rebirth…
But as we all well know…that doesn’t happen until you fight through intense dark, pain and fear…and that’s precisely what miles 20-26 were for me….
Bring me your suffering.
The rattle roar of broken bones.
Bring me the riot in your heart.
Angry, wild and raw.
Bring it all.
I am not afraid of the dark.
-Mia Hollow
Miles 20-26
Dark. Literally and Figuratively. If you’ve LIVED at all, you know the dark.
If you’ve raced, you understand the dark.
If you’ve embraced the dark, you know there is no longer anything to fear.
My eyesight was shot by the time the sun went down. I could still see but not make out faces and the lights had rainbow halos. I kept on applying the eye drops but nothing seemed to help with my blurry vision.
Mile 20 is when the girl of many words stopped talking. I could no longer speak or open my mouth while running. So I settled in and embraced the dark. Kim by my side.
Leave me and go ahead I would say…
But she said repeatedly every single time, we are in this together.
Symbolically, for a girl who has trained completely alone…endured through the good and bad alone…the good and bad beyond training but went through the depths of hell in the adversity of my divorce, leaving the Mormon religion, losing family and friends and facing my religious and sexual trauma alone…
My Kim…
My angel…
In that moment, not leaving me was the beginning of a new life…
Never again did I have to face the dark alone.
All because of Kim.
“We are in this together.” -Kim Kallas
That one phrase, changed the course of my life.
Something deeper began to change in me in those miles. My heart would pound at moments and relax at moments. My breath would try so hard to run wild but my mind kept it still.
I couldn’t thank the volunteers or people shouting my name. I physically couldn’t speak or move my lips. I would smile and give a thumbs up. I gave them my love and energy as they would spark my soul and I had nothing to offer but my simple acknowledgement.
Kim talked. And talked. And talked. Where she thought maybe she was driving me insane with all the talking, I couldn’t articulate that her words were angelic. Every.single.one. I froze. She talked. But side by side, we ran. One foot in front of the other.
I learned a lot about Kim that day. I learned her spirit. She pulled more people than I can count out of the dark that run. She made them laugh. I was in awe of her spirit. Constant pep talks to her teammates, friends and many strangers. There is nobody in the world I have met with a spirit like hers. And I’m simply the lucky girl that is able to call her one of my best friend.
Kim made sure I was ok asking what I needed every few minutes. I said I couldn’t talk but I was ok and to keep talking. We laughed because she said I’d punch her by the end if she kept talking and that would make an amazing finisher picture.
But her voice and constant love and just silently watching her be the fascinating and phenomenal woman she is kept my spirit going. I started to shed everything off of me these miles.
Maybe symbolic of releasing all old attachments, literally step by step, shedding. I grabbed my two crystal stones that I kept in my bra the entire day (yes even for swim!) given to me by my Reiki Teacher and my Chicago Mamaste and held them in my frozen hands. That was all I held on to.
I left everything else behind me in those miles. The dark. The fight. The pain. The anger. The sadness. The grief. The betrayals.
Coming back solely to the beat of my heart. The feel of my breath. Moving forward.
Cutting cords. Weightless. Everything was gone. I left the girl sobbing on the bathroom floor years earlier behind me. I left it all out there. And I did it not alone. Never alone because Kim didn’t leave me.
.2 Miles Left
With Kim’s promptings the last mile and choking up every time she spoke I made the last turn of the Ironman race course…And in one flash of a second was out of the darkness…
I heard the roar…And was running to the light…
Everything can change in a flash, darkness never lasts.
Finish Line
Triumph.
Maybe the only word I can use to describe this moment.
Overwhelming LIGHT and triumph.
This finish line was more symbolic of life to me than simply a race.
Three years ago…the same tears…the same hands holding my face…but it was a different girl…that girl was lying on the bathroom floor. Her truth was this…Unloved…Uninteresting…Undesirable…Untalented…Un-strong…Unworthy.
Unless you have LIVED those truths to the point where it isn’t a fleeting thought it is your belief of yourself you can’t understand the depths that it takes to undo those beliefs.
I don’t see any of those qualities anymore in THIS woman.
But it was a battle to the darkness of hell and back to reach my new truths…Loved…Interesting…Desirable…Talented…Strong…Worthy.
This race was for THAT girl. I dedicate it to THAT girl who three short years ago was shedding the same tears on her bathroom floor and never in a bazillion light years could envision this moment happening.
Three Year Previous…
The breath represents life. Alive is the furthest thing from what I feel. Although I don’t know what death feels like. That moment on the tile of the bathroom floor, covered in my tears and snot…unable to move…I was stuck somewhere between life and death…Knowing the only way I was truly living was through that next breath and the only way I not dying was through that same breath. Limbo.
It was a battle of highs and lows on the Ironman Arizona course just as it was a battle in life…
The breath is the same. The body is the same. The tears are the same. The spirit is the same.
All the same as the girl on the bathroom floor exactly three years before. Both in the dark. My body numb from the cold and a 14-hour day of ultimate physical exertion. My eyesight blurred. I can’t speak. Only breathe.
I round a corner and see the light. I hear the roar. My breath gasps for life. I am running to the light this time instead of lying in darkness.
This time I am not alone but have my best friend by my side. One breath closer.
My name is being screamed to the left and right. Cheering. For ME.
I reach the finish line and receive the bright light.
I step one foot over and my hands fly to my face to capture the same tears that fell just three years ago.
Although this time they are not of a girl in limbo of life and death…but the tears of an Ironman.
I am an Ironman.
I am Iron Strong.
The biggest take away from this race is a new truth. A profound and simple truth…
The Finish Line is actually the Start Line
Here is to Life…Love…Adventure…Miracles…Magic…And all the wonders this Universe, God and Angels have in store…Life is for Living. So get out there and live.
Because if I can do this…Anyone can. And that means YOU.
After the finish my boys ran up to me and Tyler started crying which promptly made me cry…I could barely lift Braden but I had special “mama strength” to hold him…
Tyler and Braden snuggled right up into me and didn’t move…These absolute superstars stayed out from 7am-10pm in the monsoon rain and cold to cheer me on the entire race…
They ran with me for a bit on the run and seeing their shining faces and chanting their names those last miles gave me extra strength to finish…
These boys are my light in the dark. My whole heart. My everything.
I fell deeply into my Mother’s arms and wept. My Dad beaming with pride and the tenderness of a hug. Josh got me the pizza I was so craving and Sissy immediately helped me reapply my lipstick for pictures. Stacy was there to hold me. My family. Angie with banner. My team. My people. All of them. This truly must be what a reunion in heaven will feel like. All your favorite people at a Finish Line. After the darkness and light. Pain and Joy. Laughter and Sorrow.
In the end…
It isn’t about how fast you get there.
It isn’t about the accomplishment.
It isn’t about how far you’ve gone.
What matters is who is there waiting for you at the end.
Love.
That is all that matters in the end.
And this day changed my life. I was wrapped in the depths of love. Love that heals and propels you to new dimensions.
The journey to Ironman took one year.
The journey to the finish line took 14 hours.
All leading to the new start line. The one where love wins.
Now. Tomorrow. Always.
It’s not about how fast you get there, it’s about who is waiting for you at the end.
I am Iron Strong only because of those at my end.
Thank you endlessly.
*Bob was pulled from the race for hypothermia. He was ok and while unable to be at the Finish Line, I was able to celebrate in full with him in the days and weeks to come. He also wanted me to have a trophy as a memory of this race so this was my Christmas present from him this year.
