Iron Strong Part 17: My first Christmas Alone…

My first Christmas Alone…

In 2012 I journaled daily through my divorce, leaving the Mormon Religion, being a Single Mom, becoming a Marathoner and eventually an Ironman Athlete. This story will be delivered in parts and not really edited down from the original writings in my journal (including some typos and grammar misalignment). I do this to uphold the integrity of the Woman I was when I wrote these a decade ago, long before I knew this would end up as a full book and despite the fact my writing has evolved in the decade since I wrote these pieces. They read in present day time from a decade ago. These are stories of hope, miracles and never giving up on your dreams. It is a heroine’s journey of shame, secrets and ultimate seclusion to the Finish Line of Ironman Arizona....and then beyond. An Outward Journey to an Inward Destination of Freedom and Liberation, Iron Strong.

My first present to myself as a Single Woman and Mother…

What do you give yourself on the first Christmas you are spending alone after divorce?The heartache and grief for the life that I thought I would have was hitting like a tsunami. So I decided I would write myself a letter.

Dear “That Girl”…The final letter,

I sit here alone on Christmas.  Alone.  My parents are traveling home and my boys are with their Dad.  I cook some simple prep foods for my upcoming week.  I listen to some simple Piano music.  

At one point while cooking I put the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant on and sit on my kitchen floor and sob. Alone. Sob for ME. Sob for my future as a single mom. Sob because I let him go. Sob because my children didn't chose this. Sob because I don't want God to let this happen again. Sob because I still struggle with someone ever loving me. Sob and feel alone.

Breath of Heaven, hold me together, be forever with me. Lighten the Darkness, pour over me your holiness.

Just feeling alone. Then I receive a text. A simple text to look at a facebook post. One that simply says reflect on the last week. You are closing this year and have a taste of what 2014 has in store for you. Power. I have had a taste.

I had a moment I want to freeze in time yesterday. I had two people. Extraordinary people. People I love. Standing over me. Cheering for me.  Instructing me. Believing in me. Seeing greatness in me. Simple me. Just Me. That is my taste for the future.

People loving, believing, and cheering for me. Many people.  Family. Lots of family. Friends. Even the ones I had to push out to cope and journey through this year. Everyone is back. I have assembled my tribe. I have more people in my life that love me then most people acquire in five lifetimes. It is humbling to my core.

How loved I am. I see it. I have never been able to feel it. I was incapable of feeling that love. I was closed. My Glinda said that was a sign of how hurt I was. How completely closed off I was.

When I let love in, I let my life begin. That happened the weekend of Oct 13. I saw love.  I felt love. I saw something in my soul. YOU saw YOU starting to emerge. Then on mile 17 of the Chicago Marathon...you knew. You knew you had the strength and courage.

You finally spoke your truth. I am SO proud of you. YOU DID IT. You literally let your throat chakra burst. You told your whole story. To people who care and saw your heart. You were able to break free in that moment from the chains of embarrassment, humiliation, judgement of others. From that moment on you will never be the same.

You have a story.  A perfectly imperfect story. You are flawed and people love you still. You are still LOVED. More than you even know or realize at this moment. Never ever for one moment doubt the love that others have for you. When you continued to let people in you grew stronger and stronger. You literally found your voice.  You fought until the death to find you. The next logical step was to find your voice. You did it.

You were made to believe certain truths about yourself through religion and suppression of your true self. You were boring and uninteresting. You were not fun to be around. You are not worth the time. You would and could never be loved. Nobody is excited to be around you. You were not intelligent. Those were your truths.

Of all the cruel things said to you, the ones that hurt the most were the ones you believed. You have been chipping away. You keep chipping away girl. You keep at it. You have people to validate these are not true but until you know it in your soul you will not overcome them.

Use all the tools you have been given and never stop chipping away.  More will arise. They will hurt. You will cry. They will come but then you know what you can do, chip away at those too. Just keeping chipping away. You have nothing but time on your hands beautiful girl. You are WORTH the time to chip away at the pain and replace each and every last memory and truth with new truths.

How about this truth. You ran two marathons this year. You did the unthinkable. You did it alone. Nobody trained you. Nobody told you to run in that heat, wind, snow, rain. That was all you baby girl. YOU. You have the determination and will power of an ox. You channel that and keep fighting until all that is left in that heart of yours is happiness, joy, accomplishments, memories of joy.

Eventually you will find love again. Someone. Someday. You do not believe it right now. That is ok. You have time beautiful girl. You don't need someone right now. You don't need validated by men. You are a beautiful soul and until someone falls in love with that soul they won't get to see your naked body. You are worth more then you know. Someone Someday will sweep you off your feet.

Hold you so tightly that all the pieces that are missing get filled in. You will love again and be loved. He wasn't your one and only. You will be loved. You will love so deeply it will blow your mind. He will be your biggest fan. Your rock. And partner. Rest assured sweet girl you will be loved again.

But for now. No rush. Fall in love with you. You are so incredibly worth falling in love with. You are beyond talented and have a great good to do in this world. You will be guided as you select courses to study. You will know where to go and where your path leads. YOU are off an adventure. You will never be the same. Why. Because you have fought.

You know what it feels like to be at the bottom. You know the pain, anger, depression, rage, loneliness. You know. Baby girl you have felt the lows of life. I don't know if there are much more lows than you have felt. But guess what. You endured through the trial of your faith. You rediscovered God. You know he loves you. You know he knows you. You know the Goddess exists and was never just your imagination.

You have witnessed too many miracles in the past two months to ever doubt this existence.  Be a strong advocate of love. Be an example. Of strength and courage. Empathy. Compassion. You will effect the lives of many. You have something special.

You can do this. I am with you. I am your soul and spirit. I care more for you then you will ever know. I love you unconditionally. I will never ever leave you. You are not alone. I am always with you. And I love you. Unconditionally.

Fall in love with yourself. Do the things you have always wanted to do. Utilize all the people and tools that have been placed before you. Follow your dreams and dream big. Don't let anyone tell you to not dream so big. You are a dreamer. A believer.

You have IT. The IT factor and you don't dull it ever again. You my dear, are special. Let love in. Give love out. Be the good in the lives of your boys and in the world. Play again with those precious boys. Be silly. Tackle. Play cars. Enjoy their youth again. You have done well this year. They are secure and know you love them. Now it is time to enjoy them again. Fall in love with those two precious boys again. They are your world and your heart and soul. And they will love you more than anyone in this life.

Rely on your parents and brother. Your friends. Let people in. Love. Continue to forgive. Never let bitterness consume you. Never let hatred in your heart. Your heart is too beautiful to be poisoned with that darkness. It will only hurt you. I am proud of you for allowing yourself to feel it. You did. Deeply. And you needed to.  But never again. It won't consume you again. You know this baby girl. You always have.

Fill your heart with love. And enjoy Christmas next year. Start new traditions in 2014. Dream big. Find your strong. Chip away. Fall unconditionally in love with you. You are WORTH the time and energy. Never forget that.

And if you start to or doubt. Look back at this or just find me. Your spirit. To remind you of the great love I have for you. Unconditionally. Forever. You are worth more then you know beautiful. It is time to shine and let it go. Let the past go but never forget the lessons learned. Never forget the journey.  It is yours. And molded you into this powerful woman.

You are off. On your way. Off to great places. Off off and away. -Dr. Suess

I am here if you ever need me. Inside that heart of yours. Never look back. Hold that beautiful head high and hold those precious boys hands. Walk tall you are a daughter of the Goddess and Divine who loves you as unconditionally as I love you. You are special. More than you know.

I am SO proud of you. So proud. In the most humble way. I am proud. You. I love you.